walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
