at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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