this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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