Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
