Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
