I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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