this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
