I wish life had little blips of pornography
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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