Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
