Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
