A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
