Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
