I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
