I'm pants shitting drunk right now
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The best revenge is premature balding
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize