i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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