guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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