She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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