first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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