Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
