i would punch a child for taco bell
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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