you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
