to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
