she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize