if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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