It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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