It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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