I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
