it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
