We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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