Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
