I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
