dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
