Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
