If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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