just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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