the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Randomize
