Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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