i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
