My first STD was from a foam party
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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