if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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