I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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