We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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