Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Come share oat with me in your robe
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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