i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
