I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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