Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
