omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
