you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
