nut hugger
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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