you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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