She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
