God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
