I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
