He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
