i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
