She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
