if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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