he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
