I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
