i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
