i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
