fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
