Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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